The surprises of parenthood: Getting honest about the postpartum journey
When it came time to write a blog post, our registered social worker, Sarah Mateshaytis, chose a topic that is very near and dear to her heart right now. She and her partner welcomed their first child last year and her experiences as a new mom brought a new dimension to her perinatal mental health practice as she returned to work a few months ago.
She hopes her musings will help expecting and new parents as they navigate early parenthood.
Sarah offers both individual and couples counselling, and she facilitates a session on postpartum mental health as part of our Postpartum Group Program. You can learn more about Sarah here and here.
As a therapist who supports women, birth parents, and partners in their journeys to parenthood (and beyond), I thought I had a pretty good idea about what my own journey to motherhood might look like.
Beyond my training in perinatal mental health, I did all of the things I was “supposed” to do: I read the books, I went to the classes, I talked to friends, I asked questions at my medical appointments, I communicated with my partner. And yet, no amount of homework could have fully prepared me for my transition to motherhood. So much of my postpartum experience surprised me.
Over the last few months, as I returned to work following this transition—my baby daughter, now nine months old—I continued to think about the parts of this journey that surprised me the most. And as I connected with other new parents—both in my work, and in my personal life—I realized that I wasn’t alone.
Becoming a parent is full of the unexpected. It’s incredibly hard to anticipate the unknowns, even when you think you’re prepared. As a therapist and a new mother, I think it’s so important to highlight the aspects of the postpartum period that can really take you by surprise. After all, we need to normalize the rollercoaster of emotions and experiences that come with this transition. If you're feeling overwhelmed, you’re not alone.
While every parent’s experience is unique, there are some common themes I’ve observed in my work with clients (that also rang true for me). Understanding these potential surprises—big and small—can help you feel more equipped to navigate your own journey.
Emotional rollercoaster: Hormonal changes, especially in the early postpartum days and weeks, can lead to intense emotions, including joy, sadness, anxiety, and anger, often in quick succession. The highs are high and the lows are low, and the fluctuation between these emotions can happen very quickly.
Physical recovery: Healing from childbirth—whether vaginal or cesarean—can be challenging and take longer than expected. There may be discomfort and setbacks, and the healing process often isn’t linear. Feelings of fear, disappointment, and defeat that you aren’t recovering in the way that you’d anticipated are common.
Sleep disruption: Many new parents struggle with sleep deprivation, but it often goes beyond just feeling tired. Some mothers also experience insomnia or restless sleep, even when the baby is asleep. The lack of restful, uninterrupted sleep can feel both physically and mentally draining.
Breastfeeding isn’t instinctual: Breastfeeding is often portrayed as a natural, easy process, but for many parents, it’s not. It can be challenging, uncomfortable, and take time to get the hang of (and sometimes it’s not possible at all!). Whether it's difficulty latching, physical pain, or emotional frustration, many new parents are surprised by how difficult the process can be.
Changing relationships—not just with your partner: We often talk about changes in relationship dynamics with our partners following the birth of a child, but we don’t often talk about or acknowledge changes in relationship dynamics with our friends and social circles. These relationships can also shift following childbirth, and can require adjustment and communication to navigate new expectations, needs, routines, and roles.
Not knowing what you need: The postpartum period can be isolating, and while many parents find that they need more support than they initially expected, it can be hard to articulate what would be most helpful to them in the moment. It can be an overwhelming period, and sometimes simply asking for help is hard in and of itself.
Physical changes: Physical changes after childbirth can be unexpected, such as hair loss, skin changes, or lingering discomfort in your abdomen or pelvis. These changes are completely normal, but they can be difficult to navigate and process.
Emotional complexity of feeding: Feeding—whether breastfeeding, bottle feeding, formula feeding, or a combination of the above—can bring up more emotions than many people anticipate. The act of feeding can be a deeply emotional bonding experience, but when things don’t go as planned, it can also lead to feelings of frustration, guilt, or sadness.
Unpredictable schedule: Babies often don’t follow a predictable routine, which can be a source of stress and adjustment for new parents. Many parents are surprised by how difficult it can be to adjust to this unpredictability. It can feel like you’re constantly adapting to your baby’s changing rhythms, with no clear routine in sight. Over time, a pattern will emerge, but in the beginning, it can be exhausting trying to keep up.
The postpartum period is a time of profound change, and with it comes a host of surprises—some expected, and many not. It's easy to feel like you're the only one going through the emotional, physical, and relational shifts that accompany this transition, but the truth is, these experiences are shared by many new parents. No matter how prepared you think you are, you may still face moments that challenge your expectations.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, confused, or uncertain about your own journey, know that you are not alone. It's important to acknowledge your feelings and recognize that this period of adjustment is difficult for most people in one way or another. Myself included.
